Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
