Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
