paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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