i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Randomize
