Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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