if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
