She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
