Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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