Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
