Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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