I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
