i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
