i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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