I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I yelled at your uterus for you.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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