Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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