I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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