If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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