Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I could make wine with my vomit
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Randomize
