The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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