Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
