I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
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Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
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When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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