He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
