can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
