Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
