proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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