I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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