i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
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Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
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Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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