there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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