Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
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