I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
