I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
