I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
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