the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Randomize
