You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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