I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
