I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
