Swine flu. Run for my life!
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
