Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
