every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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