Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
