I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
