There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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