so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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