My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Randomize
