I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
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