I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
