Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
