Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I need to stop coming to work sober
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
