I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
