Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Randomize
