I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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