I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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