Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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