I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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