Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
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I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
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Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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