There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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