I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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