if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
