you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
We had sex on a dog bed..
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Enjoy the penises
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Randomize
